Today’s post is in honor of National Caregivers Day, the third Friday in February (February 21).
Taking Care of Everyone but Yourself
For many people, caring for a disabled family member is less challenging than caring for oneself. Or, rather, taking seriously the need to care for oneself. Do any of the following sound familiar?
- “I can’t leave him with another caregiver: he needs me.”
- “No one else knows how to handle her.”
- “I couldn’t enjoy a day off anyway. I’d just keep worrying about what might happen at home.”
- “If anything went horribly wrong, it’d be my fault for not being there.”
- “If I’d [watched my prenatal diet more carefully, been more attentive when my child was smaller, realized earlier that something was wrong], this disability issue never would have existed. It’s my fault, so it’s my responsibility to make up for it.”
The thing to realize about these statements is that they’re all rooted in guilt—false guilt. No one gets everything right. No one is strong enough to be indispensable. Things that seem “all my fault” almost never are—and even if they were, wearing yourself out wouldn’t undo past mistakes, or do anyone any good in the long run.
If it still seems that your loved one needs you more than you need time off, consider that your loved one also needs a caregiver who is patient, understanding, and discerning—not sleep-deprived, cranky, brain-fogged, and/or battling your own overload-induced health issues. Everyone’s quality of life counts.
Time for Caregivers
So if anyone asks what you want for National Caregivers Day, don’t be ashamed to tell them that what you want most is a day to yourself. If they don’t ask, don’t be afraid to tell them anyway. Not just on Caregivers Day, but anytime you feel your energy running low.
If you’re not the caregiver, but a care recipient or other household member, remember that your caregiver needs appreciation—and won’t necessarily speak up if they feel tired, overworked, and unappreciated. So, speak up first and:
- Give them a big, long hug.
- Give them a handwritten note telling them why you appreciate them.
- Give them a gift card for their favorite spa.
- Volunteer to take some chores off their hands (the chores don’t have to be caregiving-specific).
- Introduce them to an app for leisure activities or mental wellness.
- Take them out to dinner or brunch. Or cook them a special meal at home.
- Throw them a Caregivers Day party.
You can also help spread the word. Put #NationalCaregiversDay or #SupportAmericasCaregivers on your social media posts!
One Caregiver’s Perspective
Says Andi Fry, BridgingApps Coordinator of Montgomery County Outreach and mother of a young adult daughter with cerebral palsy:
“Many people leading ‘typical’ lives have no idea of the work involved in special-needs care. Believe it or not, I consider my job my respite time, being lucky enough to have a job that gives me great satisfaction. I’m also lucky that my daughter Megan is very good about showing appreciation for everything I do, and that she’s cognitively able to figure most things out.
“Although Megan is now a working adult taking responsibility for her own world, she still needs me and other human assistants, plus assistive technology, for many tasks. When you have very little muscle control, arranging an outing isn’t just a matter of ‘Okay, I’m off the phone, let’s get in the car and go.’ Time management is a big deal in Megan-land, always thinking backwards to plan every move in detail. For me as a caregiver, some things are easier now than when she was younger; on the other hand, I have new things to learn and help with. Fortunately, we now have a lot of past lessons to work with.”
Andi’s advice to other caregivers:
- There are different challenges at each stage of life. Be willing to stay flexible.
- Even when you’re not physically with your charge, your brain may keep wandering to them and their needs. This is perfectly normal. Don’t feel guilty about it, any more than you should feel guilty about not being by their side 24/7.
- Especially if you’re the caregiver for a growing child or adolescent, give them every opportunity to do things for themselves.
- Choose whatever respite activities fill your satisfaction bucket. Just remember to fill the bucket regularly.
Are you a caregiver needing a break from your duties? Check out Easter Seals Greater Houston’s Respite Services!