If I don’t obsess about something then it doesn’t get done. Unfortunately, I’m not always able to pick my obsessions.
–David Finch, author of personal-experience book The Journal of Best Practices
I Do It My Way
Obsessions are a common trait of autism, and autistic people tend to enjoy their obsessions—as long as the obsessions sync with their environment and with things they can control. An obsession can be the motivator for completing a vital project; or it can lead someone to:
- Literally play with fire, or try other risky “experiments.”
- Demand the impossible (“What do you mean, we can’t take the regular route because the street is underwater? Why can’t we just drive on the sidewalk?”).
- Kick, throw, or break things that don’t work as expected.
- Answer interruptions with “what the *$@& do you want?,” even when they know who’s calling.
The autistic brain is a workaholic. It craves certainty and order; and when it runs out of ways to directly attack uncertainty, it turns to overthinking:
- Planning and reorganizing long after the real doing should have started.
- Endlessly weighing “what I should have done differently.”
- Nursing petty grudges for hours or days.
- Worrying about worst-case-conceivable scenarios.
- Wallowing in self-pity because “nobody cares enough to fix this for me.”
Key Principles of Obsession Management
Disarming the toxic side of obsessions requires determination and commitment. Fortunately, these come naturally to the autistic brain once it’s convinced of a payoff. Not so fortunately, “obsession management” also requires things that come far less naturally:
- Building a network of supporters.
- Understanding others’ feelings and viewpoints.
- Starting small.
- Accepting the inevitability of a long, trial-and-error journey.
Hints for making such challenges a little less difficult:
- To build your support network, start with immediate family or others you’re close to. Ask them to help you choose goals and to hold you accountable.
- Ask your family and close contacts to tell you how they feel, and to state their expectations clearly.
- Find a therapist to coach you on understanding others’ feelings and managing your own.
- Look for a peer support group (doctors and therapists can provide recommendations) of other neurodivergent people who understand your way of seeing things.
- Attach new habits to existing ones. For example, if you have a morning ritual of mixing your coffee with the perfect cream/sugar balance, and your partner (who doesn’t drink coffee) dislikes having to clean your coffeemaker with the rest of the dishes, start rinsing out the coffeemaker as a natural follow-up to making coffee.
- Don’t expect to immediately feel comfortable with any change. Remind yourself that discomfort is a temporary stage: things will get easier after a few weeks.
- Have a plan for avoiding resentment. Try turning on your favorite music or motivational podcast to distract your brain from “this was never my job” thoughts.
If you still need help, try an assistive-technology app for staying on track or calming down. A few suggestions:
- The Breathing App: Calm Daily
- Calm
- One-Moment Meditation
- Time Timer
- Todoist: To Do List & Calendar
- Trello: Organize Anything!
And Remember
As noted in the opening quote, the other side of obsession is that where it doesn’t exist, the autistic brain sees little point in doing anything. Why hang up your clothes, when you can just pick them up from the laundry basket or the chair where you tossed them? Why have a specific spot for your reading glasses, when it’s so easy to put them down wherever you happen to take them off?
This may not be a big problem for autistic people living alone (except when they need their glasses again and can’t remember where they left the darn things); but in shared households, it puts a strain on relationships when one partner is constantly tripping over the other’s “stuff.” The above tips on practicing empathy and avoiding resentment will help here, too. Even if it feels like a housemate is making a big deal over nothing, give them their share of reasonable accommodations—you’ll both be happier for it.
Finally, don’t obsess over managing your obsessions! Making a list of what needs doing, in priority order, can easily get out of control with an autistic brain. The list might never reach an endpoint; you might spend days weighing the pros and cons of near-equal goals.
Often, it’s better just to commit to the first serious goal that comes to mind. While you can’t always pick your obsessions, you can decide which ones to focus on and work with. Choose well, but do choose!