Alzheimer’s disease and other dementia-related conditions take a hard toll on caregivers. It hurts to see someone who never forgot a relative’s birthday become totally confused over what day/month/year this is. Or to have the sweetest person you ever knew suddenly start snapping at you. Worst of all, there’s little hope of their “old selves” ever coming back.
As a caregiver in this situation, you ride an emotional roller coaster. First, you can’t do enough for your loved one. Then you find yourself sinking into exhaustion mixed with despair. Next, you just want to scream at your relative to go away and leave you alone. Then, you remember that it’s a health issue and they can’t help it; you feel like a monster for getting angry; and you try extra hard to be patient—until the next wave of frustration hits. Sometimes, you go through the whole emotional cycle multiple times in an hour.
Keeping a healthy balance—in the relationship and in your own life—takes some planning.
Don’t Feel Guilty
Getting angry at someone who needs you doesn’t mean you’re a “bad” person, or a failure as a caregiver. It just means that you’re human, with human feelings, limits, and needs. Be kind to yourself, as well as to the person you’re caring for.
You may also feel guilty about taking time for yourself and “neglecting” your loved one. This is the worst kind of false guilt, and will only hurt you both. Nobody can do everything alone. Build a strong support network—other family members, paid caregivers, doctors—and keep them on call.
Also: seek empathy, encouragement, and advice from other family caregivers dealing with dementia. Organized peer groups can mean a lot: check the Alzheimer’s Association “Community” page for resources.
Understand What to Expect
Unfortunately, most cases of dementia get worse as time passes. Fortunately, there are ways to prepare for this. With the help of your family member’s doctor, make a plan for dealing with dementia symptoms present and future. Know in advance how you’ll respond when your loved one asks the same question for the tenth time, or blames you for the disappearance of something they misplaced.
Don’t forget to include your family member in the planning. Often, what they need most is reassurance that you’re still on their team, no matter what.
“Dementia-Proof” Your Living Quarters
The following tips will create a safer home—not only for your family member with dementia, but for other household members (including yourself) who may be disabled or aging in place.
- Remove tripping hazards. Indoors, declutter the floor in each room. Outdoors, clear the yard of tools, toys, and thick vegetation.
- Keep the premises well lit.
- Keep potentially dangerous chemicals and tools out of reach, preferably behind locked doors. (Note: “potentially dangerous tools” may include assistive technology, such as power wheelchairs.)
- On the other hand, keep frequently used items in easy reach so no one falls while trying to retrieve them.
- Watch out for elopement (wandering) tendencies. Lock any doors that lead outside or into potentially hazardous work/hobby/recreation rooms.
Finally:
Stay Optimistic
Look for the good in every situation, even your loved one’s new challenges. More than one family has found that dementia changed their relationships for the better!